How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
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Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet