Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*
Being an adult is stupid.
HORSE: *walks up to the bar*
ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?
HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski