If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.
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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Meth, because teeth are annoying.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don’t understand.
Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads.
Me: Are you Italian, my brother?
Me: Then no more pizza for you.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?