@lilpwoppa

How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.

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@LuvPug

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

@RepoMan_617

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

@mjkspeaks

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

@KimmyMonte

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

@junejuly12

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

@zachheltzel

Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don’t understand.

@TheDailySchmuck

Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads.

Me: Are you Italian, my brother?

Him: No.

Me: Then no more pizza for you.

@Reverend_Scott

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?