How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
You Might Also Like
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.