@tyrannees

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

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@sip_at_home_mom

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

@mrjumd

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

@ericsshadow

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

@Bob_Janke

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

@SlothSlouch

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

@ahumanfireball

A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.

@E_lok44

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.