How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
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[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?