2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
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My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.