How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
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If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?