Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
“How did your grammar competition go?”