Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My beach vacation Google searches
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
These work great until they don’t.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.