@mishakey: How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
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@LurkAtHomeMom: My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
@Jake_Vig: Police Officer: "Turn around!" Me: *sings* "Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round..."
@PyrBliss: I'm a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at condiment counter] *does shot of ketchup* Me (gets in kid's face): Wait your turn, punk Wife: Oh no...he's getting sauced up again