How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?

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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.


[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”


Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.


Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.


This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.


My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.