How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.