@lovemydogduck

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

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@ambamthankyamam

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

@FauxFawx

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

@bigmacher

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

@WilliamRodgers

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

@aveuaskew

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

@Miniwheats2012

Me: Wake up son!

Son: Just 30 more minutes please

Me: I’m borrowing your phone

Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!

@StellaRtwot

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

@Jake_Vig

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

@TylerComeOn

Stomach: I’m hungry.

Brain: Chill out, dude, she’s in a meeting.

Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE’S MATING CALL.

@SortaBad

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed