How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

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#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.


I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”


Mathematics is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you


[Arouses Suspicion]

Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.


I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.


Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts


[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]


Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”


Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.