How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?