@CatherineLMK

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

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@GSElevator

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

@MomesTheWord

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

@zzoker

Mathematics is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you

@cbdoubleu

[Arouses Suspicion]

Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.

@ktmcburr

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

@TheCatWhisprer

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

@RobertManchild

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

@envydatropic

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.