How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.