HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”