HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I need better friends
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.