My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
He’s dead
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend