@MaraWilson

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

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@LeviKabwato

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

@climaxximus

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

@BillMc7

Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here
Taken 4 ~ Listen, We’re Just As Surprised As You Are
Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep…

@djdarrellripley

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

@21stcenturysahm

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

@AndrewNadeau0

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

@SomthinBoutSara

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

@sirensaysnope

Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked

@POTerritory

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.