@MaraWilson

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

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@dshack8

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

@Chocovania

I leave the interview room as I entered it, karate chopping air and unemployed.

@TheTweetOfGod

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

@TheHyyyype

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

@FU_TangClan

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

@TEN_GOP

Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.

Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.

Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?

@weinerdog4life

You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women’s restroom.

@mattokine

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

@Birdhumms

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.