How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
How your email finds me
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx