Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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I leave the interview room as I entered it, karate chopping air and unemployed.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.
Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.
Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?
baby wake up, it’s someday
You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women’s restroom.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.