How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
You Might Also Like
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle