“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
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[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
reminder
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?