Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind