by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
boat question
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
saving face 👀
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.