Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again