if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.