@JllyJllyFish

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

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@RocketRankoon

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@lovemydogduck

I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

@_steamy_mac

Can you get syphilis from eating a hot dog you found in a parking lot? My wife doesnโ€™t believe me.

@AsgardianRose

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

@PJTLynch

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

@cloudypianos

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

@marcgravell

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

@ericacanrant

You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.