How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

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if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off


Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.


When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.


I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.


[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]


If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.


Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you.


Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.


Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.


And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.