@JllyJllyFish

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

- @JllyJllyFish

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@Carbosly

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

@JasonLight73

Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!

@Mr_Kapowski

*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke*

McDonald’s Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?

@ShrinkMedia

If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.

@CrazyClarine

After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don’t wear hair to bed.

@TheBoydP

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

@iwearaonesie

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

@Matt_The_1st

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children