How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

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“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*


ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.


I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.


Can you get syphilis from eating a hot dog you found in a parking lot? My wife doesnโ€™t believe me.


North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.


People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio


“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years


8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real


You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.