How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
this article brought to you by lions
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.