How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
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Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?