Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

Good morning

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

#MeanwhileinCanada

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe