How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure