how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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My birthstone is kidney
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.