How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo