How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Never mess with a drunken pig.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.