@LoveNLunchmeat

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

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@Xoolun

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.

I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

@BobTheSuit

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

@kyry5

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

@mstluvstrinkets

The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.

@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

@SamPsychMeds

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

@NicestHippo

“Bro she’s a cold digger”
[later with gf]
Do you only want me for my germs?
[she stops licking my face]
Why would you ask that?

@murrman5

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes