Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

Dead sexy!!

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.