@ThisOneSayz

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

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@DrDogMD

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

@DaddyJew

Why yes, lady with a cracked IPhone, I’d love it if you’d hold my baby.

@TheQuietPsycho

Meanwhile, in a parallel world…a banana slowly and seductively peels and eats a human, while locking eyes with another banana…

@BadMikeyBad

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats