*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
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Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?
If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Exec: So we’ve done fantastic beasts, what’s next?
JK Rowling: A restaurant guide called fantastic feasts and where to find them?
JK Rowling: A book about bread making called fantastic yeasts and where to find them?
Exec: Is everything ok at home JK?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)