How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?