How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

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*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*


Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?


If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.


Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.



M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”


Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Me: rare
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect



WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny


Exec: So we’ve done fantastic beasts, what’s next?

JK Rowling: A restaurant guide called fantastic feasts and where to find them?


JK Rowling: A book about bread making called fantastic yeasts and where to find them?

Exec: Is everything ok at home JK?


Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.


“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
(Nailed it)