How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
One venti cheeseburger please.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.