My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I have a type: disappointing
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm