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@Rica_Bee

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

@AthenaMystique

20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love*

32 year old me: *tweets*

@MissHavisham

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

@Dawn_M_

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

@KalvinMacleod

Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.

@BillMc7

Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here
Taken 4 ~ Listen, We’re Just As Surprised As You Are
Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep…

@PetrickSara

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.