HOW DARE YOU
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Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
what’s really going on
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit