Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love*
32 year old me: *tweets*
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
is Quentin Tarantino directing 2016?
Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here
Taken 4 ~ Listen, We’re Just As Surprised As You Are
Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep…
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.