HOW DARE YOU
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Mornin. * use accordingly
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
For when Tinder doesn’t work
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
When you don’t understand how floors work
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew