How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.