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FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?

ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be


[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second


Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.


Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.


Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.


*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six


“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow


Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.