how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
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Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely