@Your_Boy_Dylan

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

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@AristotlesNZ

A guy once told me life’s too short to stress, but it turned out that life’s much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.

@bingowings14

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

@Mom_Overboard

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didnโ€™t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

@shutupmikeginn

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

@amazymay72x

What would u do if u won the lotto?

10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u.
11yo: I’d buy a monkey.

Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

@SkunkRiverNPS

Wilderness survival tip #32: To deter bears from attacking your tent, simply sprinkle your neighbor’s campsite with bacon powder.

@Rollinintheseat

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.