How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
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[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Do one person every day that scares you.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.