
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

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A guy once told me life’s too short to stress, but it turned out that life’s much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.

Wrong Hole!
– a love story

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didnโt hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

What would u do if u won the lotto?
10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u.
11yo: I’d buy a monkey.Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

Wilderness survival tip #32: To deter bears from attacking your tent, simply sprinkle your neighbor’s campsite with bacon powder.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.