@HorryPuttor

how did harry potter get down the hill?

walking

jk rowling

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@HatfieldAnne

If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.

@WilliamAder

Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I’m doing important volunteer work.

@PaperWash

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school

@Lisabug74

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

@MomesTheWord

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

@patnelke

Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.

@slaughthie

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

@CaucasianJames

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

@Tmoney68

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.