Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!