@jessokfine

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

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@_coryrichardson

her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom

me: good idea

[later]

her: what is this on the bed

me: *seductively* paprika

@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

@Mardigroan

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

@FuniBob

I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross

@jenstatsky

The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”

@daemonic3

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

@iamspacegirl

my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.

@AnniemuMary

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

@lilgapeach30

I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.

“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.