her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom
me: good idea
her: what is this on the bed
me: *seductively* paprika
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross
The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.
“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.