How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.