How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
He took my last fry, your honor
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
lost dog
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
m’lady
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?