How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.

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Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC


Joseph: 1 minute BC



Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME


Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?


[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”


[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy


“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.


“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.


I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards


My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”