When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.