How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Ha
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.