How did the butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY

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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again


*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”


My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.


[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.


Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon


Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.


me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”


[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK