How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
True
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”