“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying