how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

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I added broccoli to my kid’s Mac n Cheese and now he’s sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.


Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.


My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.


We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.


wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]


JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the


The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in


My phone always asks if I “Trust This Computer” like it knows something I don’t.


My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.

So, who’s stupid now?


Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.