how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis