@bocxtop

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

You Might Also Like

@SaraMansford

I added broccoli to my kid’s Mac n Cheese and now he’s sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.

@sara_ashlynn

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

@bornmiserable

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

@themocker69

We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.

@GrantTanaka

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

@Home_Halfway

JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the

@tastefactory

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

@delusions_of

My phone always asks if I “Trust This Computer” like it knows something I don’t.

@iGreenMonk

My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.

So, who’s stupid now?

@TheWadest

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.