I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Only a mother’s love …
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .