Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
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The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.