“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
it was a valiant fight
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy