How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
describing stardew valley
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?