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@howe007

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

@HatfieldAnne

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

@ArfMeasures

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

@TragicAllyHere

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

@UncleDuke1969

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

@Wine_honey1

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

@Divergentmama

As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

@thesulk

“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”