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Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.


Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good


[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one


When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.


What I lack in personality I don’t make up for in anything else.


Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.


4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.


Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.


AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series


[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf